Post Solstice Thoughts

This week has been so, so full. Just since Sunday, I've had sudden plan changes, amazing experiences with the gods, stressful days at work, a suicide attempt, and some very clarifying divining sessions. Trigger warning before we begin for talk about that suicide attempt.

The summer solstice is one of my favorites because it's when I first met Aphrodite. I met Her very shortly after coming out of my stint as a militant atheist- a very dark period of my life I'm pretty damn ashamed of. Not because atheism is bad, but because I spent the time as an atheist listening to the likes of the not so amazing atheist and criticizing feminism. It was short, but still not exactly who I am.

It's such a bright period of time, such a lovely reminder of all the prosperity and abundance around us. And I spent it trying to kill myself. Typical.

I say that sarcastically but in my mind it's just another reminder of something for me. Love and happiness are things to be sought for, but that doesn't mean you get to ignore the darker parts of life. I'll proudly admit that parts of my practice are the oh-so scary "fluffy paganism".

Like, I worship the goddess of love! And honestly, the Theoi are so approachable and friendly framing them as these angry, pissed off deities that never help is so... useless to me. It took me a long time as a baby pagan to understand that deities aren't all mean and darkness. I think that, as pagans, we need to be a little more welcoming to those fluffy practices at times. I know growing up Christian made me think devotion meant fearing my god, and know I realize that worshiping only out of fear isn't worship at all.

But beyond that, there needs to be more discussion of how to balance seeking happiness with having depression and suicidal tendencies. There needs to be an understanding that some feelings can't be changed easily with some meditation. Like, I love meditation but if someone told me to meditate while I was in the middle of a psychotic or manic episode I'd probably laugh or get seriously fucking mad. It's not that easy to change your mental state when your brains chemicals actively work against you!

Anyway, sorry this is more incoherent rambling but I felt that since I haven't posted soon I'd give you all something! Guidance and light find you all!

#journal #ventposts